L'amour de Soi

To heal, we must become aware of the wound.

While I was on vacation in Asia in late 2022, a dear friend of mine introduced me to the birth chart (natal chart). I am nowhere near comprehending even one tenth of the mystics behind the chart, yet many of the characters she deciphered touched the innermost part of me that I thought no one could possibly comprehend.

I will get into more depth about this birth chart in a separate post. However, I wanted to state that my initial impression of astrology related topics has always been around predictions. People turn to this for solace when they are hurting.

I’ve been so wrong.

Having an expert decipher the chart helped me to understand myself better, be aware of why certain things happen to me repeatedly, what I can do to overcome some of the challenges, and most importantly, how I can leverage the inner strength I might or might not be aware of to become a better human being.

In the Beginning was the Wound

Growing up, I was certain I was either adopted or an unwanted child. I wasn’t excelling academically because I was always dealing with fear. Fear of being punished. Fear of being scolded. Fear of being made fun of.

And there was shame and envy. I was always ashamed of the way I looked. I was the ugly baby. And for years, I envied how my mom would cuddle my two cousins as if they were her own instead of me. She would take them on trips and leave me home with my father who had a severe anger issue.

In middle school, I had endless conversations with a friend about becoming a nun so I could escape the horrible life I was living.

During the dating era, I would be attracted to men who are abusive - physically, verbally or both. Little did I know, it was the behavior and environment I was accustomed to. However, each failed relationship became one shame after another. My next defense mechanism was to pretend I came from a perfect family and I had everything in control.

Being Present with the Wounds

It wasn’t until I became a mom in 2000 I realized the need to fix myself so that my child would not endure the same pain as I did. It was then I started reading self-help books one after another. 10 Secrets for Success and Inner Peace by Wayne Dyer helped the most.

10 years after that I started exploring metaphysics and realized that all what appeared to be negative experiences were actually preparing me for the person I am today.

It was then I stopped seeking approval from others, including my parents. I no longer seek happiness from others. Solitude became sacred to me.

The Wounded Healer

One of my favorite comedians, Michael Jr, talked about how God (or the universe) paved our journey with hurts and failures. No bad experience is meant to serve as a punishment.

The thing from your past, the universe did not cause it but to use it as a preparation for one day someone else will benefit from the same experience/story in order to heal. Thus the wounded healer.

This explains how I often wondered why people would pour their heart out to me and sometimes with the secret they would not share otherwise. With all that I’ve gone through in life, being relatable became part of me.

All my past painful experiences were meant to serve as opportunities. They trained and guided me to be empathetic. Therefore, I heal as I heal others by being there, by being understanding of their pain, and by sharing my experiences, even the ones I was once ashamed of.

“Your doctor must have a broken leg to doctor.

Your defects are the ways that glory gets manifested.

Whoever sees clearly what’s diseased in himself

Begin to gallop on the way.

Don’t turn your head.

Keep looking at the bandaged place.

That’s where the light enters you.”

~Rumi

Today, I live by l’amour de soi - Self love, and Je suis assez - I’m enough. I encourage you to slowly transition your mindset of self-critical to self-worth by loving yourself for exactly who you are and who you are meant to be.